i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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