I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
