Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
be right there i have to get my cape
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize