I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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