just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
