Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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