I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Enjoy the penises
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
