Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
