I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
