literally had 100 drinks last night.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize