pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
