Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
True strength comes from lack of pants
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
