Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
this is an emotional support booty call
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
