just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
