I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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