Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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