Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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