note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
