She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
