The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize