At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
