you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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