he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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