just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
