best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
