If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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