I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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