That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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