Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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