just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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