Moan for me like Helen Keller
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
