If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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