He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
