see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize