it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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