they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
