just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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