I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
