Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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