I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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