You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
