Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
