you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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