I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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