i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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