Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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