She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
