my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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