wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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