I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
