I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
