roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
