all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
