I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
