When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Randomize
