remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
