I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
