Have you finally orgasmed yet?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize