sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
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