I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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