I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
