I haven't been this sober since birth.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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