I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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